newsweek's the top 15 movies released in 2002 that you should not miss

#1 Y Tu Mama Tambien
Alfonso Cuarn's erotic, funny and poignant Mexican road movie is a coming-of-age classic.

#2 About Schmidt
Nicholson at his best in a Midwestern satire as funny as it is devastating.

#3 Spirited Away
Animation giant Hayao Miyazaki's enchanting magical mystery tour.

#4 Talk to her
Almodovar's moving meditation on love and friendship.

#5 The Pianist
Roman Polanski confronts the Holocaust and makes his best film since "Chinatown."

#6 Monsoon Wedding
Mira Nair's zesty multi-course Indian feast.

#7 Adaptation
Orchids, screenwriting, gators + 2 Nick Cages = one wild ride.

#8 About a Boy
Womanizing narcissist Hugh Grant rejoins the human race
in a sharp, hilarious comedy.

#9 Far From Heaven
Family values get revisited and revised in this sublime neo-'50s melodrama.

#10 Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Another swirling, savage success.

#11 The Hours
Kidman, Streep and Moore in a luminous adaptation.

#12 Late Marriage
Tradition battles love: a fierce, sensual comedy from Israel.

#13 Chicago
A jazzy, snazzy Murder Row musical.

#14 Lovely and Amazing
This smart American indie tells things about women Hollywood never thought to ask.

#15 Minority Report
Bad ending aside, this future-shock thriller is a sensation.

SIGNS


1. At a Megalink ATM:
"OOF LINE".

2. Nakasulat sa pader:
"MARUNONG KA BANG KUMAHOL? ASO LANG ANG UMIIHI DITO!"

3. Along a highway in Pampanga:
"WE MAKE MODERN ANTIQUE FURNITURE."

4. On a building in Cebu:
Atty. Domingo Carriedo "NOTARY PUBLIC TUMATANGGAP DIN NG LABADA KUNG LINGGO"

5. On a self-service restaurant in Cebu:
"PLEASE HELP OUR COMFORT ROOM CLEAN"

6. In a Baguio grocery:
"FRESH FROZEN CHICKEN SOLD HERE"

7. On the gate of a house:
"BEWARE! BITE YOU THE DOG!"

8. On a door of a two-storey building stairway:
"SECOND FLOOR, UPSTAIRS..."

9. On a low beam post:
"HEADS OFF, PLEASE."

10. On a house beside an auto repair shop:
"NO PARKING AND REPAIR HERE"

11. Signs at PHILCOA:
"NO CROSSING PEDESTRIANS WILL BE APPREHENDED"

12. In Baguio Country Club:
"TEMPORARY CLOSE"

13. In Cubao:
"NONE ID NOTHING ENTRY"

14. In a parking lot:
"TAXI AND OUTSIDE CAR NOT ALLOWED"

15. Office clinic in Sta. Cruz:
"DR. SAKIM A. MORGE. MD."

16. Along Luneta Boulevard:
"BAWAL TUMAE SA BULEVARD"

17. Jeepney and Bus signs:
"BEFORE PAY, TELL WHERE GET THE ON BEFORE GET THE OFF"

18. On a Flower shop in Rizal Avenue:
"WE SELL ARTIFICIAL FRESH FLOWERS"

19. On a delivery truck:
"NOT FOR HERE"

20. On window of a restaurant in Baguio:
"WANTED: BOY WAITRESS"

21. On a street in San Juan:
"BAWAL MAGTAPON NG BINALOT NA TAE RITO"

22. A grafitti inside the cubicle of a ladies' washroom in a university:
"PLEASE DON'T SIT LIKE A FROG, SIT LIKE A QUEEN."

23. On a truck:
"KUNG NABABASA MO 'TO, PAG-NAUTOT AKO MAAAMOY MO"

24. At a construction site in Mandaluyong:
"BAWAL OMEHI DITO. ANG MAHOLI BOG-BOG"

25. Somewhere along San Andres:
"NO URINATING, ON THE OVER WALLS"

26. Vacant lot near Makati Ave.:
"DON'T PARKING"

27. At an eatery in Cebu:
"WE HAB SOPDRINK IN CAN AND IN BATOL

ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
schools
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... ... Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tow-ers will be violated
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a >vegetarian.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like
the IRS.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Wink, I'll do the rest!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
students!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
happy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
i souport publik edekasion
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can
find a rock.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic
particles.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop"
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
"Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!"
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's
that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie"
"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff
before?"
"Damn, there go the lights again..."
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's
got two of 'em."
"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"
"Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing
my concentration off"
"What's this doing here?"
"I hate it when they're missing stuff in here."
"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!"
"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."
"Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."
"Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?"
"What do mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!"
"Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"
"And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in
the body of the ape."
"OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a
freak of nature."
"This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?"
"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"
"Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough."
"What do you mean "You want a divorce"!"
"She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!"
"Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

Things to do when you're Bored and want to annoy people..

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair
dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com,
or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to ! join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favours.'

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up
the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) Dont use any punctuation.

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

17) Sing along at the opera.

18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear
them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your
boss is of the opposite gender.)

20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing.
For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."

21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds
all day.

22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.

23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.

24) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

! 25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! "I Won!" "3rd time
this week!!!"

27) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"

28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the
voices in your head that do."

29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."

30) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....

31) Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it
to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this

GOLLUM RULES!

You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When:

You wake up face down on the pavement
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there aren't any
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city
Your twin sister forgets your birthday
You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway
You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat
You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose
Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?"
Your driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.
You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the van this week